Joke Thread

blueshadow

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Here's a couple I recently heard:



Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had 4 they'd be a sedan.



A gentleman was traveling for business and asked the hotel clerk "What's there to do around here?" the clerk told him there was a zoo just down the road. The business man walk through the zoo only to find one cage with a dog in it. He returned and told the Clerk "I walked around that whole zoo and only thing I saw was one dog!" The clerk answered "I know it's a Shih Tzu!"
 

Barden

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1. Knock knock
2. Who's there?
1. Smell Map
2. Smell Map Who?
1. Gross. No thank you.


Add on to any math-based joke: Well it's a math joke. It's funnier if you carry the one.
 

JazzDrumGuy

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PG-13 minimum, or maximum???

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh....
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sorry, I have kids......tell me it's minimum!
 

robthetimekeeper

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After a few weeks of marriage, the wife comes in one day and says, "Honey, you probably won't
be drumming as much anymore, lets sell all of your gear." He looks at her and says, "You sound like my ex-wife." She was taken aback and says, "I didn't know you were married before." He says, "I wasn't."
 

kip

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Heisenberg and Schrdinger are driving, and get pulled over. Heisenberg is in the driver's seat, the officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! There is a cat back here, and it's dead!?!?!?"

Schrdinger angrily yells back, "Well it is now!!!"
 

Barden

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kip said:
Heisenberg and Schrdinger are driving, and get pulled over. Heisenberg is in the driver's seat, the officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! There is a cat back here, and it's dead!?!?!?"

Schrdinger angrily yells back, "Well it is now!!!"
:laughing6:
 

dtk

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did you hear that the man who invented throat lozenges died?
There will be no coffin at his funeral.

how many musicians does it take to change a light bulb
a million and 1, 1 to change it and a million to say...we'll i could have done that

what's the difference between unlawful and illegal

unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird
 

blueshadow

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Some great ones...and I hadn't heard most of them...keep them coming



A man was drunk at a bar a spilled his beer all over his coat. He has a fit guy next to him tells him to relax, the man says "but my wife will kill me, she's always complaining about how much dry cleaning is!" so the guy says "well here, put this $10 in your pocket, tell your wife some drunk spilled their beer on you and gave you the money for the dry cleaning"

Next morning the man's wife is furious of course so the man tells her the story then she says "but there's $20 here" and the man answers "Well I sh!t my pants too"
 

blueshadow

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JazzDrumGuy said:
PG-13 minimum, or maximum???

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh....
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sorry, I have kids......tell me it's minimum!
Ha Ha I have a 9 year old so I hear them all...some are still pretty good though.
 

DrumKeys

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Two antennas met on a rooftop and got married.

The wedding wasn't so great but the reception was excellent.
 

Paradiddle

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Trombone player calls Buddy Rich's house and tells the butler he needs to talk to Buddy.
Butler says "I'm so sorry sir, but Buddy has passed away"
Trombone player calls the next day and says he needs to talk to Buddy.
Butler once again says "sir, I told you yesterday, Buddy has passed. He's dead"
Trombone player calls the next day and says he needs to talk to Buddy
The butler looses his cool and says "sir, what part of Buddy is dead do you not understand!"
Trombone player says "Oh I understand it, I just like hearing you say it."
 

rayboomboom

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Guy walks into a bar and there's a sign above the bar "Carnivore's Special, Slap the Meat, Get Free Drinks. Ask the Bartender." So the guy asks the bartender and he tells him, if you can jump and slap the meat above the bar you get free drinks for the night. If you can't you have buy everyone in the bar a round for 1 hour. The guy looks up and sees these 2 pieces of meat hanging over the bar. So he thinks for a moment, looks at the meat, looks around the bar, thinks for another moment. Then he says, "nah, the steaks are too high."
 

blueshadow

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One of my favorites from my daughter:

How do you make a tissue dance....you put a little boogie in it!
 

repete

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This Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if hes got any bread. The bartender tell him no and to get lost. The duck asks again, you got any bread? The bartender says no we dont have any bread, now leave before I toss you out! The Ducks asks him again. hey, you got any bread? The bartender says if you dont leave Im going to hammer your beak to the bar!! The Ducks asks, you got any nails? The bartender screams NO!

You got any bread?
 

JazzyJeff

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Adam is in the Garden of Eden, bored out of his mind. He looks to heaven and asks God, please help me, Ive got nothing to do here, Im so bored - I just cant stand it
God says, maybe another person to spend your days with and populate the Earth is what you need - a female!
Adam says, thats a great idea! Can you send one who enjoys the same things I do, someone who thinks logically and with reason, and someone who will treat me like the king that I am?
God says, Sure, but it will cost you an arm and a leg!
Adam says, wow! well, what can I get for a rib...?
 

amosguy

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A Minister on a horse, a Rabbi on a mule and an iman on a camel ride into a bar.

The bartender looks up and shouts.........................

WHAT IS THIS - SOME KIND OF A JOKE?
 

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