WAIVER: Ladies, please do not be offended - these are only jokes!
My wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.
I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.
A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "Is it that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?", he said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will soon disappear."
Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.
My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.
As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.
Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!" Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."
Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years." Dad: "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."
Wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.
My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women’s pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.
My wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!" So I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about???
My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him.
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "'No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall in Dublin . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all