Joke Thread


Active Member
Sep 12, 2014
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central PA, USA
WAIVER: Ladies, please do not be offended - these are only jokes!

  • My wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.

  • I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.

  • A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "Is it that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?", he said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will soon disappear."

  • Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

  • My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

  • As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

  • Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!" Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

  • Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years." Dad: "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

  • Wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

  • My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.

  • Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women’s pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

  • My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out. And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

  • My wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!" So I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about???

  • My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him.


The King of Rock'n'Roll
Aug 5, 2005
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Poulsbo, Wa.
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelery store with a beautiful much-younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "'No, I'd like to see something more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"


Well-Known Member
Nov 22, 2016
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I'll repeat some of the jokes I posted on Talkbass. :wink:
  1. Robert Plant must've known Brian May and primitive Queen in 1971. What did he sing, it's just a spring clean for what?
  2. Who rocks? The Who rocks!
  3. A chemistry-related one: Why doesn't an iodine clock tell you the time? It isn't periodic.
  4. Someone's called "Your father, before he dies" on social media, so when he adds someone as friends, the message will be: "Your father, before he dies, wants to add you as friend."


DFO Veteran
Dec 28, 2010
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Hope this plays as it cracks me up every time I watch it ....

Oh my goodness ... I love Rita!!!
She has always been known for that West Side Story thing.
But man oh man ... she is so freeeeeekin funny.

Check this one out.
A very strange film from 76 called The Ritz ... don't necessarily recommend the film, but she was high-stair-ick-alllll



Well-Known Member
Apr 6, 2018
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Boise ID
Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall in Dublin . The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the Drum shop next door to that"

Bongo Brad

Very well Known Member
Feb 10, 2015
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A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game...

He got Life.


DFO Master
Aug 5, 2005
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Redmond, WA
Sam bought a new refrigerator for his home.

To get rid of his old one (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it that read: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it'.

For three days the refrigerator sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided people were too mistrustful of his deal, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.00'.

The next day someone stole it.

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