Joke Thread

[Roosto]

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball on
the tee, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.", she says.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £20 Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, Aggie! You've no undies. Why not?" , her husband gasps.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, woman! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!"
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says,

"Well, then... fer the love 'O Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

 

[amosguy]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"l

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[Elvis]

 

[DamnSingerAlsoDrums]

Drummer walks into a legendary music store and wants to buy a "real" instrument. The salesman, seing the drummer deep in thoughts, comes to his help.

S: "Hi sir, are we looking at something in particular?"

D: "Yeah! I'll take the white accordion in the corner." then he points at something resting on a column behind the counter "Oh! And the red trumpet right there."

The salesman says "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

Drummer puffs his chest and nods his head, grinning broadly.

The salesman takes his slowest, gentlest tone and says: " Well, here's the deal, I can sell you the fire extinguisher for a hundred bucks. But the radiator can't move..."

 

[Elvis]

 

[amosguy]

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'?
_____________________________________________
Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a
bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Harold asked, ?Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

[amosguy]

Unfortunately, COVID pandemic has finally affected me financially.

In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc. I have a need to make some extra money on the side...it is what it is.

So...I am now proud to announce that I am selling "ADULT TOYS". I hope no one will feel embarrassed to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes, and styles according to your needs. Discretion is guaranteed!!






Ask for yours anytime. I have everything listed below:



-Walkers
-Wheelchairs
-Oxygen tanks
-Canes
-Disposable diapers (tie dyed Depends)
-Teeth glue
-Heating pads and more

 

[Elvis]

 

[cworrick]

_____________________________________________
Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a
bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Harold asked, ?Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Ya know, I've often wondered that myself.

 

[premierplayer]

Facebook

www.facebook.com

 

[amosguy]

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."


And that, my friends.......is

Confidence​

 

[Elvis]

...well...I'm in the hospital....

...this has not been a good day...

After spending the last 5 months quarantined inside the house, limited contact with my family or friends since the beginning of March ... enough is enough!!!
I decided to go for a horseback ride with a good friend, something I haven't done for a very long time.
It turned out to be a horrible mistake!
I got on the horse and I started out slowly, but then it just went wild!
I went faster and faster and before I knew it, I was going as fast as that horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the stirrup. I was being dragged and was bouncing all over the place.
The horse just would not stop!
Thankfully the manager at Dollar Tree came running out and unplugged the machine.
Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters and my bottle of Captain Morgan's, so I wouldn't try to ride the fire truck or clown car.
I have a few scrapes and bruises but nothing's broken. I will wear a helmet next time.

 

[amosguy]

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.


They gave me another one free of charge.

 

[Elvis]

 

[Elvis]

 

[Elvis]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up ,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[pwc1141]

Saw a promo for a "Reward-Winning pianist" - guess he is no longer on the run .....

 

[Elvis]

...was he 12" tall?

 

[Squirrel Man]

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve particles that travel faster than the speed of light in here".

Two neutrons walk into a bar...

 

[Elvis]