Joke Thread

amosguy

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault; today is my very first day driving a cab, I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years"
 

dtk

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A guy is driving from CT to Boston for a job interview.
His car starts blowing steam and he limps it into a rest area that does not have a garage.
He asks if anyone can drive him into Boston...he needs to get their for an interview...
A guy says sure.

They get into the car and the rider says "Thanks for taking me, for all you know I might be a mass murderer"
The driver responds "it occurred to me that you might be a mass murderer but I figured the odds of two of us being in the same car were pretty slight"
 

Barden

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Two robots walk into a "clowns-only" bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" Both robots in unison reply,
"1011101111111001110011010111101111111110111111001111010111111001111101111111101101111110100111011011111001111010111111101101111011111100111110110111101111011111011010111011110011110111010111110111101111101101111101111001110110".

The bartender asks, "Shall I start a tab?"
 

DrummerJustLikeDad

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Two robots walk into a "clowns-only" bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" Both robots in unison reply,
"1011101111111001110011010111101111111110111111001111010111111001111101111111101101111110100111011011111001111010111111101101111011111100111110110111101111011111011010111011110011110111010111110111101111101101111101111001110110".

The bartender asks, "Shall I start a tab?"
I saw a robot in a bar once. Complete teetotaler!

It’s true. Robot sat in the bar all day and would buy nary a drink.





That’s OK. I’ll see myself out.
 

cworrick

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Move all drinks away from your computer!!


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in............"
 

mtarrani

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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 

Drm1979

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Here's a bad dad joke.

I really love my furniture.

Me and my recliner go way back.
 

amosguy

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She was cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided
to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't
bother coming after me”.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in
the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk
towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the
phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see
you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see
you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed,
seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to
see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet.

We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
 


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