Joke Thread

[mtarrani]

 

[amosguy]

 

[swarfrat]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault; today is my very first day driving a cab, I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years"

I know this is a joke. But some time in the 80's, the story goes that someone actually pulled a prank along these lines on a local pilot. Told him he was to fly a body some place, only the 'body' under the sheet was just pretending.

 

[Squirrel Man]

I remember doing stuff like this when I was a kid.

...ok, still do.

 

[bassanddrum84]

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

 

[amosguy]

I hate solid body guitars. WHERE'S MY CHEESE?

 

[CSR]

For us older DFO’ers:

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

 

[BennyK]

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

Difference between a cello and a coffin ? A coffin has the corpse inside .

Difference between bagpipes and an onion ? Nobody cries when you slice the bagpipes .

 

[Elvis]

A/C unit does a "Jazz drum solo"....

 

[pgm554]

PG-13 minimum, or maximum???

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh....
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sorry, I have kids......tell me it's minimum!

Heard this one from Colaiuta back in Jr high.
What does a buck toothed cow say?
Mooth

 

[pgm554]

Then there's the one about a drummer standing at the gates of heaven waiting to be let in.
As he is standing there he hears drumming coming from the other side of the pearly gates.
He asks St Peter who that is cause it sounds a lot like Buddy Rich.
St Peter just fluffs him off saying nah, that's God,he just thinks he's Buddy Rich.

 

[Elvis]

I heard that same joke, but it was Bill Monroe instead of Buddy Rich.

 

[Deafmoon]

You know why Joe DiMaggio was the greatest baseball player to ever play the game?
Cause he said so.

 

[amosguy]

 

[amosguy]

 

[Squirrel Man]

A/C unit does a "Jazz drum solo"....

I'm working on that.

It's all triplets I think.

 

[amosguy]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a bit, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied: “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith.”

The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for
about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

 

[Sinclair]

It's all triplets I think.

I'm hearing 16th around 118bpm.

 

[blueshadow]

A priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. Bartender says "what are y'all doing here?" Rabbit says "I don't know I think I'm here because of a typo"

 

[amosguy]

A hypnotist was giving a show for a retirement home one evening. He was doing a group session and asked them all to focus on his pocket watch while he held it up and swung it side to side.

“This has been in my family since my great grandfather had it in 1887. Keep your eyes on this and concentrate on it.” While swinging it back and forth, the chain broke and it fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.

The upset hypnotist cried out “Oh Crap!”





It took 2 days to finish cleaning the meeting room.