After church services the priest is greeting all of the parishioners as they leave as was his policy. He greets one man with a black eye. The priest says "so, I saw you come into church today and you didn't have a black eye, what happened"? The man says "well, the lady in front of me - when she stood up her dress was caught in the seam of her posterior and I thought I'd be helpful and pulled it out for her, she didn't oblige".
A couple weeks later, same scenario, the priest meets the same man with another black eye so naturally the priest asks "what happened this time"?
The man says "well, I was behind that same lady and figured she wanted it there so I tucked it back in".
So I'm sitting at a bar when two very large women with accents sit down next to me.
After a few drinks I said "Very cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales you moron!"
I said, "Oh, pardon me, are you two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that!
Two rowboats pass each other in the English channel, one with one man and two women in it and the other with just one man in it. The latter shouts to the former "Could ya lend me one of your oars"? The man in the first boat yells back "Them's not oars, one's me wife and one's me sister".
After a long night at the bar, a guy invites his friend to see his new apartment.
As they enter, the friend notices a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?"
The guy says, "Oh, that's not a gong, that's my talking clock".
He picks up the mallet and hits the gong.
From the other side of the wall they both hear, "Shut up! It's 3 in the goddamn morning!"