Joke Thread

piccupstix

Very well Known Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2006
Messages
871
Reaction score
371
Location
pasadena, ca
When I read: "Right click on a FB image and COPY IMAGE to paste directly here. Will not require using the FB URL link to view" I wanted nothing to do with viewing an image o_O
 

Squirrel Man

DFO Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2020
Messages
2,443
Reaction score
3,119
The 85yr old lady reminded me of one...

After church services the priest is greeting all of the parishioners as they leave as was his policy. He greets one man with a black eye. The priest says "so, I saw you come into church today and you didn't have a black eye, what happened"? The man says "well, the lady in front of me - when she stood up her dress was caught in the seam of her posterior and I thought I'd be helpful and pulled it out for her, she didn't oblige".

A couple weeks later, same scenario, the priest meets the same man with another black eye so naturally the priest asks "what happened this time"?

The man says "well, I was behind that same lady and figured she wanted it there so I tucked it back in".
 

Squirrel Man

DFO Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2020
Messages
2,443
Reaction score
3,119
Just read this one on a Russian joke page.

An American, Frenchman and Russian are stranded on an island. While fishing for food they catch a golden fish that offers each of them two wishes if it's released.

The American wishes for a million dollars and to go back home.

The Frenchman wishes for three beautiful women and to go back home.

The Russian says "aye, and we were getting along so well - three cases of vodka and the two fellas back".
 

amosguy

DFO Master
Platinum Supporting Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2005
Messages
4,823
Reaction score
1,290
Location
Redmond, WA
103 passengers and only 40 meals were loaded on a flight from Bogota to Miami

The crew didn't know what to do

However, the booth boss had an idea. After about 30 minutes of flight, she nervously announced:
- ′′ I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners."

Then he added:
- ′′ Anyone who is gentle and kind-hearted enough to give their food to someone else will receive free, unlimited drinks and liquor throughout the flight.

His next announcement came two hours later:
- ′′ If anyone wants to change their minds, we still have 40 meals available ′′

Moral:
′′ Drunks have a big heart!!"
 

Sinclair

DFO Veteran
Joined
Feb 17, 2010
Messages
1,910
Reaction score
2,783
Location
Los Angeles
So I'm sitting at a bar when two very large women with accents sit down next to me.
After a few drinks I said "Very cool accents, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them yells, "It's Wales you moron!"
I said, "Oh, pardon me, are you two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that!
 

Squirrel Man

DFO Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2020
Messages
2,443
Reaction score
3,119
That reminds me of one.

Two rowboats pass each other in the English channel, one with one man and two women in it and the other with just one man in it. The latter shouts to the former "Could ya lend me one of your oars"? The man in the first boat yells back "Them's not oars, one's me wife and one's me sister".
 

Barden

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 28, 2018
Messages
433
Reaction score
213
Location
Hartford
After a long night at the bar, a guy invites his friend to see his new apartment.
As they enter, the friend notices a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?"
The guy says, "Oh, that's not a gong, that's my talking clock".
He picks up the mallet and hits the gong.
From the other side of the wall they both hear, "Shut up! It's 3 in the goddamn morning!"
 


Top