Joke Thread

[TonyVazquez]

So far, you've managed to impress
your girlfriend on the first date,
with your Metal music collection.
Then suddenly,
"Excuse me, babe. I gotta use the restroom"

While you were gone,
She went through your selfie phone pics
and found THIS...

 

[Erik]

After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy

every time I walk past her she says "what an ass"

 

[Blue Zurich]

humorous sewing material

 

[Hop]

 

[Squirrel Man]

 

[Elvis]

 

[cworrick]

 

[cworrick]

 

[TonyVazquez]

That 70s Show kids in the basement:
"Pass me the roach"

Me: "I can't find it"

The Roach: * quietly sneaking off
to hide somewhere * ...

 

[TonyVazquez]

After a "late day at work",
when you're trying to sneak back
into your home late at night;
but wifey has the best
"motion detector" alarm yet...

 

[amosguy]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William.
Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."


"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

 

[TonyVazquez]

Back in the 60s and 70s,
the movie industry had thrifty ways
of keeping production under budget...

 

[Squirrel Man]

 

[mtarrani]

 

[Elvis]

 

[TonyVazquez]

For Latinos, the month of July ("julio")
is a pun month.
That's why you see Julio Iglesias memes
on Facebook, such as
"Llegó Julio" (July has arrived).

-------------

The word room, in Spanish, is "quarto"
(as in quarter, in the context of space).
In a numerical context, quarter also
means "4th".

So then, Happy July 4th

Feliz quarto de julio...

 

[TonyVazquez]

After a member in the U.S. Army band
slacked off behind the beat at a gig
earlier that day...

 

[Squirrel Man]

Real life funny, my son is 18. He's industrious, mows lawns and cleans offices in our small town. The law office my wife works at. He's good mechanically too and they're trying to figure out a phone line issue when she asks him if he hears a dial tone.

"What's a dial tone?"

So later in the day she has mail that needs dropped off. It's Sunday and the post office isn't open but there's a mailbox near the grocery store. I remember when there were mailboxes on every corner but this is now. She tells him to take the mail to the mailbox.

"What's a mailbox?"

The unleaded gas discussion at the local restaurant didn't go much better.

 

[Drdrumdude3009]

Real life funny, my son is 18. He's industrious, mows lawns and cleans offices in our small town. The law office my wife works at. He's good mechanically too and they're trying to figure out a phone line issue when she asks him if he hears a dial tone.

"What's a dial tone?"

So later in the day she has mail that needs dropped off. It's Sunday and the post office isn't open but there's a mailbox near the grocery store. I remember when there were mailboxes on every corner but this is now. She tells him to take the mail to the mailbox.

"What's a mailbox?"

The unleaded gas discussion at the local restaurant didn't go much better.

But I bet he knows what an LP is, however!

 

[cworrick]