OT: At some point you have to cut the toxicity out! Not a political rant, a personal one.

Roch

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I'm at the point in life that if relationships aren't easy, I'm not interested.. Even with my kids, who I love above above everything else..but, they are all adults and have their own priorities now..We've been fortunate because there isn't much family drama and everybody still gets along...But, at the same time, I'm not going to bend over backwards for anybody any more..I'm here for people if they need my help and I'd be there in a second if they asked. No hard feelings, here, just putting myself and my partner first for once in our lives..
 

Dumpy

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I'm at the point in life that if relationships aren't easy, I'm not interested.. Even with my kids, who I love above above everything else..but, they are all adults and have their own priorities now..We've been fortunate because there isn't much family drama and everybody still gets along...But, at the same time, I'm not going to bend over backwards for anybody any more..I'm here for people if they need my help and I'd be there in a second if they asked. No hard feelings, here, just putting myself and my partner first for once in our lives..
It kills my parents and one of my sisters that there is a sister, brother-in-law and bratty niece whom I refuse to be in the same room with. My sister is a drunk, and told my niece crazy stories about me whilst my family and I were estranged. The brother-in-law is Tim Allen character without the humor. My parents finally get it. I got the “doesn’t have to be at all gatherings free” card when I had my health scare.
The problem with relationships with humans is that they are with humans.
 
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BennyK

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You can remove yourself from the toxicity , but isn't that like sticking your head in the sand ?
Right words spoken by the right person at the right place and the right time is a job very few are qualified to do . Trick is to try and leave the door open just a bit when you leave .
 
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Tigerdrummer

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Hey All,

Just venting a but here...My wife and I just got back from SoCal where my wife's ex-mother-in-law was laid to rest. We were invited down by my wife's sister-in-law. Also, my son-in-law who flew in from Maui to pay his respects to his grandma, whom he was incredibly tight with. My wife's mother-in-law was the mother of her deceased husband who passed in '94. I've been in the picture since '07. This is where is gets wanky.

My wife's ex-sister-in-law has a real strong hatred for my wife (who is the most positive, loving person I've ever known). The sister-in-law (SIL) has never agreed in the way my wife has raised her son as a single mom. The SIL has never been married or been a mother but really loves her nephew. So, Ian goes out of his way to visit and call his aunt and grandma a couple times a week, at least. But there's been bad blood between my wife and SIL going back when she married her husband (brother on SIL) and she's been estranged from the grandma and SIL for 10 years now. My wife just shakes it off and tells me she is what she is. She's OK with it that way. Now I understand why.

Which is why we were surprised to be invited to the small service at the mother-in-laws gravesite. We drove down from the Bay Area Monday and got a place in Long Beach. We went to the service on Tuesday, paid our respects and was invited to the SIL's condo for lunch after the service for a very small gathering. All went well...or so we thought.

Ian flew up last night to stay with us for a few days before heading back to Maui. My wife told me Ian told her that SIL HATES my wife and was bad mouthing her after the the service to her side of the family. We went out of our way to pick the food up, gave her flowers and went through the expense and time to pay our respects. All with love and positivity that my wife oozes...

My wife tried to put a positive spin on all this (like she always does) after hearing the story from her son. BUT for me, we are done. I told her "That's it! WE ARE DONE." I am so done with these petty arguments with family.

There. It feels better me getting it off my chest so thanks for listening.
It really seems like you've done everything you could humanly do. The bad feelings may not even really be for either of you as much as a mental illness or something else. You took the high road. No reason to look back or reengage.
 

VintageUSA

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To get it off my chest.
It is just fine, Dan.
This looks simple to me -- Psych 101:
SIL is very insecure and jealous of your wife.
Why...…...I don't know...…...who cares ?
Old saying...….the opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.
 

RogersLudwig

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Update: Both son-in-law and wifey poo continue to send love to SIL. I aspire to be that evolved.
Give up. Most of my relatives that are “difficult” also lack self-awareness and so lack the prerequisite for change. I told my ex 35 years ago not to have my sister in the wedding party as she would make it about herself and so it was. Thirtyfive years later my sister still hasn’t a clue she’s a wretched, selfish, and thoughtless human. I avoid her like the plague.
 

Jazzhead

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I have learned to just cut toxic people out of my life, whether that’s your brother, your sister in law, your uncle, whoever. The only time this idea is difficult for me to accept is if the person was my own mom or dad, and luckily I never had any issues with my parents and we love each other dearly. Good friends are better than bad relatives, I’d cut it with her forever if she was my ex-sister in law. My grandma always says life is too short, don’t end relationships with people but why would you be nice to someone who talks poop about you, I don’t get it. Some people just don’t deserve to be in your life.
 
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microswitch

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Dan.. you have a right to vent...... but I beleive you give too much importance to the wife ex SIL.. just remember her brain can only go up to the 2nd floor .. don't know any better..
 


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