What would you do?

6topher

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It doesn't matter. You won't have space in an rv for a kit anyway. Maybe a suitcase kit, but I dunno. Probably not

Anyway, just scout ahead to places you're going & look for a drum shop or someone who does lessons. They'll either let you rent some time on a kit or will know someone who does.

You can play at every stop. Other dudes golf or whatever, lol. Go drumming for the afternoon.
 
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Downbeat

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A question if I may. You’ve been playing for 55 years. It’s your main love, as you put it. Why does your wife have no idea how important drumming is to you? It seems that she should know this by now. In any event, it also seems that the first step should be to communicate that to her in no uncertain terms.
This^^^^^
 

Sinclair

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Anyway, just scout ahead to places you're going & look for a drum shop or someone who does lessons.
A tour of drum shops across America!! Genius idea. Maybe a few pawn shops thrown in too. A video docudrama if you will. Heavy on the drama. I'd watch that!
 

Bob Salvati

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She's been with you 55 years and doesn't know what's important to you? Or chooses to act as if what is important to you but of no import overall? Something is not passing the smell test.
No. Forty two yrs. married...drummer for 55yrs.
Playing devil's advocate, I'd ask myself "At this point in my life am I ready for this change? For something drastically different."

As I nudge closer towards retirement I think Ill still be playing in my mid and late 60's. But what if an opportunity came up for us to say, retire and move to a condo or small home in California? I may say "Let's do it. Let's change everything for a new chapter in life". Now that may not come to be, but it's a possibility. I dont make a living playing, and while I love it I don't know. I cant say I wouldnt jump at an attractive (to both of us) lifestyle change. Chuck it all and start again. It has its appeal to me, though I imagine I'll be 65, trudging through snow and loading drums in my car during 20 degree winters. Just food for thought.
Being in an RV, for say,4 months is a stretch. I don’t know how some people do it full time. It’s like living in a submarine. ( sorry submariners) It’s not for me full time. These are her feelings also. So I don’t know what she’s thinking.
 

JimmySticks

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If she's going through that hormonal thing, you know, "The Change", there will be no talking to her. Normal, even somewhat happy women can become evil when this occurs. I'm not sure if it's a real thing or just an excuse for women to treat us like they always wanted to, like useless idiots.

Good luck man.
 

Bob Salvati

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If she's going through that hormonal thing, you know, "The Change", there will be no talking to her. Normal, even somewhat happy women can become evil when this occurs. I'm not sure if it's a real thing or just an excuse for women to treat us like they always wanted to, like useless idiots.

Good luck man.
Oh man, you are SO right!!
 

ppfd

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There’s a reason I don’t have a wife and things like this is one of them.
Dude, 42 years!? This attitude / behavior didn’t happen overnight. Your going to figure this one out on your own.
I know what I’d say and do. But, that’s why I’m not married :glasses8:

Yeah and don’t sell the house, I don’t imagine RVing will last long friend.
 

poetman

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Hey guy’s, I need some advice. I’ve been playing drum’s for 55yrs. It’s my main love... besides my wife. She absolutely hates it. She has no tolerance for ANY kind of noise. If there’s a little rattle in the car, we have to stop and fix it. Things like this. So today she had the idea in about one year selling the house and going RV full time. You KNOW what this means. NO drums. She has no idea how important this is to me. She’s highly pissed now. She has NO hobbies at all. Literally she has’nt got the patience or them. If we went full time RVing and we had a home base it would be okay, and in the past we talked about it. Now no home base. What would you guy’s do? Advice please!

I am sorry to hear about your situation, man. There are definitely deep communication issues at play here. I am not sure how long you have been married, but if you have been playing drums for 55 years, and your wife "has no idea how important this is" to you, then you need to have some conversations. I would highly recommend the following text/techniques: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When ... - Amazon.comhttps://www.amazon.com › Crucial-Conversations-Talki...
 

Heartbeat

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I've been where you are. Women aren't the only ones who do this sort of thing. Sometimes non-musician spouses just don't understand our passion for music or an instrument, especially if they don't have a passion of their own. Have a big heart-to-heart with her about the importance of drums/music in your life. But also stress how much you love her and that she's your #1 love. Then tell her you're going to build a shed, rent a storage space, etc., so she isn't bothered by the noise. (Then make that space your man cave) Don't sell the house. Maybe she's bored (who isn't, after being cooped up for a year?). Take her out, go on a day trip, give her a day at the spa (while you play drums at home), but encourage her to go out with friends, buy something she loves, etc. Good luck.
 

kallen49

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Hey guy’s, I need some advice. I’ve been playing drum’s for 55yrs. It’s my main love... besides my wife. She absolutely hates it. She has no tolerance for ANY kind of noise. If there’s a little rattle in the car, we have to stop and fix it. Things like this. So today she had the idea in about one year selling the house and going RV full time. You KNOW what this means. NO drums. She has no idea how important this is to me. She’s highly pissed now. She has NO hobbies at all. Literally she has’nt got the patience or them. If we went full time RVing and we had a home base it would be okay, and in the past we talked about it. Now no home base. What would you guy’s do? Advice please!
My wife and I sold our house and amicably separated on April 1st of this year.
I actually played a gig a few years ago on our wedding anniversary. Bad prioritizing and big mistake.
We now both have nice apartments and more $ than ever in our lives but realize we will never be able to afford to own a home again. I can buy any kit I want but can’t play it in my apartment.
We are lonely at times but in some ways getting along better than we have for years.
We have 5 grandkids that are our main focus in life.
I bought a “Black Hole” practice pad and am digging into my Alan Dawson book.

Whatever you decide, If you want to stay married, I recommend:
finding a counsellor or therapist (imho people who need counselling the most avoid accepting it the most)
you both practice the seven loving habits (if I had practiced these I’d still be married)
I made an acronym of these to remind me of how I want to treat those I love. I wish you good luck,
SELATRN (7 caring habits)

Supporting

Encouraging

Listening

Accepting

Trusting

Respecting

Negotiating Differences
 
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Dumpy

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I've been where you are. Women aren't the only ones who do this sort of thing. Sometimes non-musician spouses just don't understand our passion for music or an instrument, especially if they don't have a passion of their own. Have a big heart-to-heart with her about the importance of drums/music in your life. But also stress how much you love her and that she's your #1 love. Then tell her you're going to build a shed, rent a storage space, etc., so she isn't bothered by the noise. (Then make that space your man cave) Don't sell the house. Maybe she's bored (who isn't, after being cooped up for a year?). Take her out, go on a day trip, give her a day at the spa (while you play drums at home), but encourage her to go out with friends, buy something she loves, etc. Good luck.
Yeah- saying this is a woman-only thing is a rotten stereotype. My sister was married to a man very jealous of how far she went in music.
 

GiveMeYourSmallestSticks!

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Can't say I've been married or drumming as long as you, but am sorry to hear about your struggle.

My wife can definitely get frustrated with my drum obsession (spending $ on gear, spending endless hours online doing drum-related things, generally making noise, leaving her for evenings to get out and play), and I don't blame her. This is after all an expensive and obtrusive hobby, and I know it can test her patience from time to time.

That said, she also understands the degree to which drumming fulfills me and is a big part of my life. While she may roll her eyes from time to time as I relate (ie. justify) my latest cymbal or drum purchase, she supports me and knows that drumming provides me with a healthy creative outlet, a reason to be social, and an endless series of goals and objectives to keep striving towards and keep me sane. She sees how important it is to me, and so it's become important to her.

In fact, we're upsizing to a detached house next week, and her gift to me is a dedicated music room which she'll be outfitting/decorating for me as a 40th birthday present. I'm a very lucky man to have such an understanding wife, and try to repay her in kind by supporting her interests and hobbies. Ultimately, we both know that having outside hobbies and interest makes us better, more interesting and more fulfilled people. It gives each of us an escape valve and a sense of individual identity and purpose beyond husband, wife, father, mother, employee, etc.

My problem has always been having too many hobbies truth be told. I can't really imagine what it is to have no hobbies, or what that does to a person. Perhaps part of the problem is hobby envy? Whatever it is, best of luck, and hope she can understand what an integral role drumming plays in your life.
 

Bob Salvati

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I've been where you are. Women aren't the only ones who do this sort of thing. Sometimes non-musician spouses just don't understand our passion for music or an instrument, especially if they don't have a passion of their own. Have a big heart-to-heart with her about the importance of drums/music in your life. But also stress how much you love her and that she's your #1 love. Then tell her you're going to build a shed, rent a storage space, etc., so she isn't bothered by the noise. (Then make that space your man cave) Don't sell the house. Maybe she's bored (who isn't, after being cooped up for a year?). Take her out, go on a day trip, give her a day at the spa (while you play drums at home), but encourage her to go out with friends, buy something she loves, etc. Good luck.
Thank’s for your reply. I know she’s bored. She has no hobbies. That seem’s unheard of to me, but there it is. I mean selling the house and living in a motor home is a BIG life change. And I can’t bring any of my hobbies with us. And after a few months living in the motor home, she’s going to get sick of it just like we do in our fifth wheel which is pretty much the same size. Then what do we do? If we could keep our house and travel about that’s great. Before we both agreed on that. Now she want’s to sell the house.I thought about getting another shed. The drum room is upstairs with sound blankets on the wall. I recorded the sound difference and it is reduced by 75- 80%. If she hears me tapping my fingers she goes ballistic. No lie! She works at home so in her office she wears ear pods w/music. So I think the loudness issue is solved. She keeps changing her mind... full time Rv w/no home base or home base and Rv.There is WAY not enough room in ANY Rv. We’ll figure it out I guess.
 


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