What would you do?

wflkurt

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And she's your wife? Hmmm....
I don't understand how this is possible. My wife certainly knows that I would never cheat. I'm much too occupied with looking at drums, playing drums listening to drums, looking for drums, planning trips to drum shows, etc... She may not love what I do but she understands and supports it. There will be a time in our lives when we move somewhere else after we retire and while I may not be able to haul my collection with me, I will definitely have a few and continue to play somehow. We have only been married 13 years and she totally knows. Hope the situation improves for you.
 

Tornado

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Thank’s for your reply. I know she’s bored. She has no hobbies. That seem’s unheard of to me, but there it is. I mean selling the house and living in a motor home is a BIG life change. And I can’t bring any of my hobbies with us. And after a few months living in the motor home, she’s going to get sick of it just like we do in our fifth wheel which is pretty much the same size. Then what do we do? If we could keep our house and travel about that’s great. Before we both agreed on that. Now she want’s to sell the house.I thought about getting another shed. The drum room is upstairs with sound blankets on the wall. I recorded the sound difference and it is reduced by 75- 80%. If she hears me tapping my fingers she goes ballistic. No lie! She works at home so in her office she wears ear pods w/music. So I think the loudness issue is solved. She keeps changing her mind... full time Rv w/no home base or home base and Rv.There is WAY not enough room in ANY Rv. We’ll figure it out I guess.
This sounds completely unreasonable, and I can't believe after that many years of marriage one person in the marriage could try to force such a radical change. It almost sounds like there are ultimatums being thrown down. Just say you're not selling the house, and that's that.

But what would I do? I'd get a badass climate-controlled shed with room for couches and and fridge. On another piece of land.
 
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Bob Salvati

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Can't say I've been married or drumming as long as you, but am sorry to hear about your struggle.

My wife can definitely get frustrated with my drum obsession (spending $ on gear, spending endless hours online doing drum-related things, generally making noise, leaving her for evenings to get out and play), and I don't blame her. This is after all an expensive and obtrusive hobby, and I know it can test her patience from time to time.

That said, she also understands the degree to which drumming fulfills me and is a big part of my life. While she may roll her eyes from time to time as I relate (ie. justify) my latest cymbal or drum purchase, she supports me and knows that drumming provides me with a healthy creative outlet, a reason to be social, and an endless series of goals and objectives to keep striving towards and keep me sane. She sees how important it is to me, and so it's become important to her.

In fact, we're upsizing to a detached house next week, and her gift to me is a dedicated music room which she'll be outfitting/decorating for me as a 40th birthday present. I'm a very lucky man to have such an understanding wife, and try to repay her in kind by supporting her interests and hobbies. Ultimately, we both know that having outside hobbies and interest makes us better, more interesting and more fulfilled people. It gives each of us an escape valve and a sense of individual identity and purpose beyond husband, wife, father, mother, employee, etc.

My problem has always been having too many hobbies truth be told. I can't really imagine what it is to have no hobbies, or what that does to a person. Perhaps part of the problem is hobby envy? Whatever it is, best of luck, and hope she can understand what an integral role drumming plays in your life.
Thanks!
My wife and I sold our house and amicably separated on April 1st of this year.
I actually played a gig a few years ago on our wedding anniversary. Bad prioritizing and big mistake.
We now both have nice apartments and more $ than ever in our lives but realize we will never be able to afford to own a home again. I can buy any kit I want but can’t play it in my apartment.
We are lonely at times but in some ways getting along better than we have for years.
We have 5 grandkids that are our main focus in life.
I bought a “Black Hole” practice pad and am digging into my Alan Dawson book.

Whatever you decide, If you want to stay married, I recommend:
finding a counsellor or therapist (imho people who need counselling the most avoid accepting it the most)
you both practice the seven loving habits (if I had practiced these I’d still be married)
I made an acronym of these to remind me of how I want to treat those I love. I wish you good luck,
SELATRN (7 caring habits)

Supporting

Encouraging

Listening

Accepting

Trusting

Respecting

Negotiating Differences
Thanks!
There’s a reason I don’t have a wife and things like this is one of them.
Dude, 42 years!? This attitude / behavior didn’t happen overnight. Your going to figure this one out on your own.
I know what I’d say and do. But, that’s why I’m not married :glasses8:

Yeah and don’t sell the house, I don’t imagine RVing will last long friend.
Thanks!
I don't understand how this is possible. My wife certainly knows that I would never cheat. I'm much too occupied with looking at drums, playing drums listening to drums, looking for drums, planning trips to drum shows, etc... She may not love what I do but she understands and supports it. There will be a time in our lives when we move somewhere else after we retire and while I may not be able to haul my collection with me, I will definitely have a few and continue to play somehow. We have only been married 13 years and she totally knows. Hope the situation improves for you.
Thanks!
 

Nubs

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I know for a fact that if you're going to retire and you have no hobbies, activities, etc., you're gonna have a BAD time. Everyone who retires needs SOMETHING to do.

Those who have nothing to do usually wind up doing negative things, like nagging, complaining or trying to control others' lives. Unfortunately I see this manifest with my own parents and it kills me. Dad does plenty...mom doesn't. Mom falls into the trap of sitting around watching TV, drinking often and trying to make life miserable for Dad because she's bored. It's a vicious cycle which I wish I could help to break, but alas Mom doesn't want to hear it.

Misery loves company and it sounds like this situation is similar to my parent's one. I would suggest having a heart-to-heart with her so she understands you better. Perhaps suggest in a constructive way for her to get into her own hobbies.

Hope it all works out! Best of luck!
 

Elvis

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If we could keep our house and travel about that’s great.
Then why don't you guys do that.
It sounds to me like you're giving her time to mull it over in her mind and that's when she comes up with....ideas.
Don't give her that chance.
Agree to take a short vacation, then just GO!
It'll get the both of you out of the house for a while and maybe that's all you and her really need.

Elvis
 

mtarrani

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After reading through this entire thread I now realize how lucky I am. I'd been musing about quitting music and doing the traveling thing. My wife emphatically told me that she married a drummer and she expected me to remain such. I still daydream of tossing the whole music thing because I am honesty tired of it, but reading through the responses here I am convinced more than ever that my wife is a keeper. Thanks folks!
 

clowndog

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I may have the solve for you.

Sell the house, buy a yacht and one set of scuba gear. You will have room for the kit. You hand her the scuba gear when you want to play, and you don't disturb anyone for miles while the Mrs. is swimming with the sharks looking at pretty fish for a new hobby. It's exotic. #imonaboat

1619728880025.png
 

JimmySticks

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I may have the solve for you.

Sell the house, buy a yacht and one set of scuba gear. You will have room for the kit. You hand her the scuba gear when you want to play, and you don't disturb anyone for miles while the Mrs. is swimming with the sharks looking at pretty fish for a new hobby. It's exotic. #imonaboat

View attachment 497431
To tempting to sail away and leave her ...:evil4:
 

Bob Salvati

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I know for a fact that if you're going to retire and you have no hobbies, activities, etc., you're gonna have a BAD time. Everyone who retires needs SOMETHING to do.

Those who have nothing to do usually wind up doing negative things, like nagging, complaining or trying to control others' lives. Unfortunately I see this manifest with my own parents and it kills me. Dad does plenty...mom doesn't. Mom falls into the trap of sitting around watching TV, drinking often and trying to make life miserable for Dad because she's bored. It's a vicious cycle which I wish I could help to break, but alas Mom doesn't want to hear it.

Misery loves company and it sounds like this situation is similar to my parent's one. I would suggest having a heart-to-heart with her so she understands you better. Perhaps suggest in a constructive way for her to get into her own hobbies.

Hope it all works out! Best of luck!
Thanks
 

Bob Salvati

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Then why don't you guys do that.
It sounds to me like you're giving her time to mull it over in her mind and that's when she comes up with....ideas.
Don't give her that chance.
Agree to take a short vacation, then just GO!
It'll get the both of you out of the house for a while and maybe that's all you and her really need.

Elvis
Thanks
 

Bob Salvati

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After reading through this entire thread I now realize how lucky I am. I'd been musing about quitting music and doing the traveling thing. My wife emphatically told me that she married a drummer and she expected me to remain such. I still daydream of tossing the whole music thing because I am honesty tired of it, but reading through the responses here I am convinced more than ever that my wife is a keeper. Thanks folks!
After reading through this entire thread I now realize how lucky I am. I'd been musing about quitting music and doing the traveling thing. My wife emphatically told me that she married a drummer and she expected me to remain such. I still daydream of tossing the whole music thing because I am honesty tired of it, but reading through the responses here I am convinced more than ever that my wife is a keeper. Thanks folks!
Thanks.
 

Bob Salvati

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I may have the solve for you.

Sell the house, buy a yacht and one set of scuba gear. You will have room for the kit. You hand her the scuba gear when you want to play, and you don't disturb anyone for miles while the Mrs. is swimming with the sharks looking at pretty fish for a new hobby. It's exotic. #imonaboat

View attachment 497431
Ha! Thanks.
 

DavedrumsTX

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Hey guy’s, I need some advice. I’ve been playing drum’s for 55yrs. It’s my main love... besides my wife. She absolutely hates it. She has no tolerance for ANY kind of noise. If there’s a little rattle in the car, we have to stop and fix it. Things like this. So today she had the idea in about one year selling the house and going RV full time. You KNOW what this means. NO drums. She has no idea how important this is to me. She’s highly pissed now. She has NO hobbies at all. Literally she has’nt got the patience or them. If we went full time RVing and we had a home base it would be okay, and in the past we talked about it. Now no home base. What would you guy’s do? Advice please!
I’d recommend that you and your wife go to counseling. Without knowing you, it is likely there are deeper issues here. The drums, RVs, noise, etc, are merely symptoms of a greater problem. Having someone help you both navigate your issues and how to communicate with each other can be very helpful for some folks.
 

sternerp

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Hey guy’s, I need some advice. I’ve been playing drum’s for 55yrs. It’s my main love... besides my wife. She absolutely hates it. She has no tolerance for ANY kind of noise. If there’s a little rattle in the car, we have to stop and fix it. Things like this. So today she had the idea in about one year selling the house and going RV full time. You KNOW what this means. NO drums. She has no idea how important this is to me. She’s highly pissed now. She has NO hobbies at all. Literally she has’nt got the patience or them. If we went full time RVing and we had a home base it would be okay, and in the past we talked about it. Now no home base. What would you guy’s do? Advice please!
Your wife could have a medical issue, from hyper-sensitive hearing, to depression and anxiety, that are the cause of those reactions to noise. You might need to seek the counsel of your own doctor on how to convince her to seek treatment.
 

Rob A Drums

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Hey guy’s, I need some advice. I’ve been playing drum’s for 55yrs. It’s my main love... besides my wife. She absolutely hates it. She has no tolerance for ANY kind of noise. If there’s a little rattle in the car, we have to stop and fix it. Things like this. So today she had the idea in about one year selling the house and going RV full time. You KNOW what this means. NO drums. She has no idea how important this is to me. She’s highly pissed now. She has NO hobbies at all. Literally she has’nt got the patience or them. If we went full time RVing and we had a home base it would be okay, and in the past we talked about it. Now no home base. What would you guy’s do? Advice please!
Divorse!
 

jccabinets

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An RV looses it's value real fast. A home should increase in value. Can you afford to buy another home if you decide the RV thing is not working, good chance of that. I could see doing it for a year or two but not for the rest of my life. If she says you can't bring any kind of drum at all then she is not a nice person. You should be able to pack a very small kit and play it when she's not around. I play mine when my wife showers but she won't complain if I play a little too long.
Good luck sir!
 

Kevinpursuit

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I guarantee the RV thing will not last forever. It sounds exciting but the confines and the daily routines will have an effect. So compromise do the RV thing with stipulation that when the newness wears off you get a house. Put the drums in AC storage.
 
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